Lines Written By A Bear of Little Brain

On Monday, when the sun is hot

I wonder to myself a lot:

Now is it true, or is it not,

That what is which and which is what?

On Tuesday, when it hails and snows

The feeling on me grows and grows

That hardly anybody knows

If those are these or these are those.

On Wednesday, when the sky is blue,

And I have nothing else to do,

I sometimes wonder if it’s true

That who is what and what is who.

On Thursday, when it starts to freeze

And hoar-frost twinkles on the trees,

How very readily one sees

That these are whose- but whose are these?

On Friday- 

 

A.A. Milne

Au Naturale

Here are some fun natural recipes I have been playing with. Try them out and tell me what you think.
 
Air Freshner Recipe:
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp vinegar (or lemon juice)
2 cups hot water

mix in a spray bottle and spray in air to remove odors.

Bug Repellant: 

32 oz. sprayer bottle
5 drops eucalyptus essential oil
10 drops lavender essential oil
30 drops orange essential oil
20 drops lemon essential oil
1/2 cup Dr. Bronner’s Liquid Citrus Castille Soap
Pure water

Just spray the perimeter of your home, inside and out, 1-2 times a week and the creatures will stay away.
Store in a cool, dark place. Essential oils are delicate and sensitive to light so make sure they are stored in a closet, under the sink or in a pantry.

Deodorant:

6 tablespoons of coconut oil
1/4 cup of baking soda
1/4 cup of arrowroot or cornstarch (depending on your preferences)
your favorite essential oil

 mix together your baking soda and your arrowroot (or cornstarch) in a medium sized bowl.

Then stir in your coconut oil with a fork and mash it all together until it is very well combined. Top it all off by adding a few drops of your favorite essential oil such as vanilla, lavender, or rose.

Yoga is not a Placebo

I am coming down off my informational high. That feeling I get when I am introduced to ideas that are either new to me or presented to me in a new way. I become flooded with inspiration and energy and I desperately want to hold on to that feeling that motivates me to step closer toward the best version of myself. I was fortunate enough this past week to attend two lectures that gave me that sensation. I want to share some of what they were about, but I am also hesitant because I know so much will be lost in my translation of their talks. What is most exciting for me is how both of the lectures relate to yoga and the classes I teach. Part of why this information excited me is that I have already seen evidence of their truth through yoga and these lecturers validated suspicions I have had for years. Through my teaching and personal practice I hope to dive deeper into the heart of both these lectures: The ability of the mind to define every aspect of our being.

I went to a lecture on placebo delivered by Richard Kradin. Dr. Kradin is a Harvard professor, medical doctor, and psychoanalyst. He has spent a vast amount of time studying placebo and writing about it. He said that almost all medicine and medical procedures have an aspect of placebo. This means that the state of the mind has a huge effect on how successful a medication or medical procedure will be. The mind has such a powerful effect in fact, that in placebo-controlled group studies on morphine, arthroscopic surgery, and the majority of psychotropic medications, the placebo worked as well as the medication over fifty percent of the time. Dr. Kradin says that doctors have the ability to cure, but the healing process is nature's responsibility. Most often the healing occurs unconsciously but there have been studies that show even when a patient knows they are receiving a placebo they still respond positively. There have also been studies that show a placebo can make the patient worse. They call this a nocebo. There are two factors at play here. One is the belief that something has the ability to help you. So many avenues of health and healing work solely off this ability to believe. Dr. Kradin also discussed the role shamans, religions, and magic play as a placebo because of a person's belief in their power. The other factor, which was completely new information to me, was the neural maturity of the bonds formed during maternal infant attachment. Researchers found that the areas of the brain that activate during a placebo response are the same areas that activate when an infant is exhibiting bonding behavior with its mother. If the attachment was secure, then the placebo response is strong, and vice-versa. A secure attachment helps the infant learn how to self-soothe. Placebo is the mind/body self-soothing. People with mental disorders such as borderline personality disorder will have a difficult time finding medication that works effectively because their body has a diminished capacity to self-soothe.

After the lecture I purchased his book, The Placebo Response and the Power of Unconscious Healing. I told him I was a yoga instructor and I found the lecture fascinating from a yogi perspective. He said to me, "You know that yoga isn't a placebo." This was encouraging to hear, especially since earlier in the lecture he had included chiropractics, acupuncture, and most "new-age" therapies under the placebo category.

I think the reason yoga isn't a placebo is because it is a tool directly involved with strengthening the neural circuits of self-soothing. Yoga invites us to bring awareness to the connections of mind,body, and breath. Yoga recognizes and believes in the power within. Through this practice our ability to trigger relaxation/restorative responses in a variety of situations improves. I believe yoga can be a path to shift the placebo healing response from an unconscious to conscious endeavor.

This brings me to the second lecture I attended on yoga, stress management, and courage. This lecture with Atmananda Das(www.atmayoga.net, check out his dogma vs. dialectics blog) delved into the mental aspect of negative stress, its connection with the body, and how to begin the process of releasing stress(triggering self-soothing).

Now that we know yoga can heal, how do we begin? Atma says simply begin with noticing gravity, noticing the sensation of the weight of your body. When we become aware of the body we move from the thinking mind to the experiencing mind. We begin to focus on what we don't know. We let go of the fantasies of the mind. As long as we hold on to the fantasy/hallucination and try to make real what is not, we will struggle with anxiety and our mind will find itself stuck in a box. Often times this process can be uncomfortable and we will find ourselves not wanting to maintain a presence with our body and whatever we may be feeling in the body, especially if in the moment we are feeling pain, anxiety, anger, etc. When we do something we don't want to do we are courageously exercising free will. From this place of noticing, consciousness will begin to expand. Atma says, "It won't happen overnight, but it will happen. Expanding consciousness means we are aware we are a part of something we don't understand." Choose to feel what you may not like. Do not act out, do not repress, but practice tatikshiva- feel everything. In feeling everything the dualism of matter becomes more greatly accepted and understood. What this means is that we begin to see that conflicting ideas, emotions, situations are equally valid and true. The complexity of the universe becomes more apparent in our purview. When we notice our desires shift from the material desires that will never end and never completely be fulfilled to the desire to know the unknowable, the anxieties of material desire will fall away. Choosing the initial discomfort of not knowing and actively being in the unknown are the initial steps down a path of conscious living, and from there, conscious healing.

I will end this blog with a poem from a great book I read on the effects of globalization and westernized development in India called Ancient Futures:Learning from Ladakh.

Know all things to be like this:
A mirage, a cloud castle,
A dream, an apparition,
Without essence, but with qualities that can be seen.

Know all things to be like this:
As the moon in a bright sky
In some clear lake reflected,
Though to that lake the moon has never moved.

Know all things to be like this:
As an echo that derives
From music, sounds, and weeping,
Yet in that echo is no melody.

Know all things to be like this:
As a magician makes illusions
Of horses, oxen, carts, and other things,
Nothing is as it appears.
                                  -Samadhirajasutra

Some Yoga Zen

Be soft in your practice. Think of the method as a fine silvery stream, not a raging waterfall. Follow the stream, have faith in its course. It will go its own way, meandering here, trickling there. It will find the grooves, the cracks, the crevices. Just follow it. Never let it out of your sight. It will take you.
-Sheng-yen

The Undoing

Long time, no post, right? Well, it has been great to take some time off to focus on motherhood. Starting next month I will be teaching some regular classes again on Sundays. It will be wonderful to be back; although, I have kept my toe in through a bunch of subbing. Speaking of, many of you have asked for the song I referenced during my Kosha Restorative week, so I am including the lyrics below.  My favorite part of this song is the Spanish lyrics. Yoga brings to our awareness the idea of being. Constantly doing can prevent us from being able to completely release. Let go of thoughts, let go of the body, let go of the breath, let go in a pose, let go of pain, hurt, tension, grudges, whatever it is you are holding on to. Me suelto en el deshacer. "I let go in the undoing. Winning cannot compare to pure loss." When we wipe the slate clean and remove all the baggage our True self can shine through. I love this idea that winning can mean adding baggage and a pure loss is stripping down. Without all the baggage to block our view there is a potential to see things from a whole new perspective. I look forward to seeing you in class so we can let go, undo, and lose together.

The Undoing
 ~Interpol

I was on my way
I was on my way to tell you it's no good
I was on my way
Chasing my damage

I was chased, thrilled and altered
Chasing my damage
Because I was chased, thrilled and altered
And it raised me

Suele tener( It's been known)
Me suelto (I let go)
Me suelto en el deshacer (I let go in the undoing)
Al puro perder el ganar no compara (winning cannot compare to pure loss)

I always thought you had great style
And style was worthwhile
Because I was
I was on my way
Sobreviviré (I'll survive)

Chasing my damage
I was chased, thrilled and altered
And it raised me
Chasing my damage
Because I was chased, thrilled and altered
And it raised me

Suele tener
Me suelto
Me suelto en el deshacer
Al puro perder el ganar no compara

Please please the place we're in now
Please
(All night long)
Please please the place we're in now
Please
(All night long)
Please please the place we're in now
Please
Please please the place we're in now
Please

Leo's Story

On Tuesday, Jan 3rd, which was my estimated due date according to the measurement I had at my first ultrasound, I could tell that something was happening. On and off throughout the day I had contractions, but nothing consistent until that evening around 10 pm. At that point the contractions began to come consistently every 7-10 minutes throughout the rest of the night. I hung out, waiting for that moment where the doctors say to go in when contractions have been consistent every 3-4 minutes for an hour. The morning of the fourth it was easy to see the mucous plug had dislodged and I began bleeding, which is a good sign that labor is happening. I continued contracting throughout the morning and bleeding. At around 2:30 I decided to call the nurse and ask for advice. I knew my contractions weren’t where they would want them to be but I was concerned about the bleeding and that I hadn’t felt Leo moving around much. She said I should go to the Hospital and be checked out. I was sure they would send me home, but Rich and I packed some basics just in case and got to the Hospital around 3.


They put me in a room and checked everything out. I was only dilated to a 1. They said to walk around the labor and delivery hallways for an hour and then they would check again. So Rich and I walked around, and then went back to the room to be checked again. I was now dilated to a 2+. They said I had a choice. They could send me home or I could try walking around for another hour. I took another hour of walking. In that second hour something changed. I know that contractions are supposed to get progressively more intense, but something about these were different and went from being manageable to super painful. The contractions also changed from being consistent to erratic. I would have 2 or 3 a minute apart and then nothing for 5-6 minutes. The nurse came back and checked me again. I hadn’t dilated any more. She said she would talk to the doctor one more time to see if they would admit me or send me home. She could see I was in a lot of pain. That moment was frightening for me. I was in so much pain I was afraid of going home, and then not knowing when I should come back again with my contractions being so erratic, I didn’t think I’d be able to handle it.

The nurse came back and told us the doctor said I could stay, and I broke down, hysterical with gratitude at finally getting to stay at the hospital after already going through 17 hrs of laboring at home and another 5 hrs in hospital triage. Rich cried in relief too, god- I love that man. They hooked up the IV that contained penicillin to treat my Group B strep and soon the anesthesiologist came to administer an epidural. He had fantastic bedside manner and even though he was inserting a 17 gauge needle into my spine, he quelled any nervousness I may have had. I didn’t get the zing that many women get, in fact it wasn’t any worse than the IV they had just given me. Soon after, the pain began to subside and we settled in for the night. After a couple hours they came in and broke my water. They noticed that Leo’s heart rate would drop each time I had a contraction and they kept moving me into different positions. Some positions would help, and other positions would make it worse. The epidural kept failing on my left side and I would start feeling a lot of pain on the left to the point where 3 times during the night the anesthesiologist had to come in and up my dose. Even with the extra dose though, I could always feel the pressure of contractions and was able to move my feet. My legs on the other hand, were numb enough that Rich and the nurse had to help me when I changed positions.

My dilation progressed very slowly through the night, and once I hit 7 cm I stalled out. They also discovered that I had a fever and had to give me two more bags of different antibiotics along with the penicillin I already had to treat the fever. At this point I hadn’t eaten since lunch the previous day, and muscle fatigue had kicked in, I found myself shaking uncontrollably. All I could do was suck on ice with lime flavoring, close my eyes and focus on relaxing my body and opening my cervix.

Early that morning of the 5th, Dr.Loewen came in to check on me. They found out part of the issue. Leo was in face presentation. They joked that he wanted to look outside first before deciding if he wanted to come out. This position creates a larger area for me to push through the birth canal and was what was creating all the pain on my left side.

At this point they decided to do 4 things. First, they gave me pitocin to see if it jumpstarted my dilation, they filled me up with water, and they put me in this position where I was partway on my belly with my right leg up in a stirrup in hopes of getting Leo to move into a position where I could deliver vaginally. They also gave me some sugar so I would have some calories and strength to push. I wish they had given that to me hours ago, because soon after my shaking and nausea dissipated. I could feel that the Pitocin strengthened my contractions, and it did speed up the dilation process. Within three hours I was finally dilated to a ten. During this time the doctor came in and helped Leo reposition himself to the best (cephalic) birth presentation. Right after she repositioned him, the pain in my left side went away, and that’s when I knew that was what had caused the abnormal level of discomfort I had been dealing with.

Since it was my first baby they assumed I would be in the pushing phase of labor for a while so the doctor left and the delivery nurse put me in position to begin pushing Leo out. After one or two sets of pushing she realized he was going to come out much sooner than she had thought and she called the doctor back in. Within 45 minutes I had pushed Leo out, needing only one stitch up inside on my hymen. They were impressed with my core strength, and I said, “All thanks to Yoga.” This is where they found what the other issue had been. Leo’s cord had been partially wrapped around his neck which is what had been causing his heart rate to drop during contractions. Even with Pitocin, my contractions never became quick and regular. They stayed about 5-6 minutes apart. The doctor and nurses said my uterus must have known that is what Leo needed to keep him from going without oxygen for too long.

At 11:24 on the 5th of January, 2012 Leo was born. 6 lb 15 oz. They measured him at 19 inches, but later he was measured correctly at 20.5 inches. The pediatrician said it is hard to measure newborns and they are often measured wrong right at birth. Rich cut the cord and they put him on my chest skin to skin while I delivered the placenta. He was alert, content, perfect, and beautiful. He took to the idea of breastfeeding right away.

They moved us up to our recovery room and gave Leo his first bath. My whole lower half was super-duper swollen from all the fluids and I had to keep a catheter in for another day. Everyone in the hospital up to this point had been fantastic, I couldn’t have had a better experience with hospital staff. But starting Thursday night until we left Saturday afternoon, it went downhill. We had a lot of unnecessary interruptions Thursday night that prevented anyone from sleeping. Friday morning the shifts changed and we were introduced to Tracy, the spaciest nurse in the world, and our nurse for the next two days. In that time she never learned our names. She never even learned if Leo was a boy or a girl. She forgot to write down medication administration times, she forgot to administer medications, she forgot to drain my catheter, she would forget the answer I gave her to a question she had just asked 30 seconds ago. She had no bedside manner, no sense of privacy or decorum, and I had no faith in her skills to adequately take care of me or Leo. Even on Leo’s labwork forms she didn’t write in Leo’s name and put his birthdate as January 7th. Thank goodness for CNA’s and nursery staff and Rich who kept an eye out for me, taking care of all the things she forgot to do.

Leo’s tests came back well except that he had lost 8 oz which was barely in the ok range and they found out he had the ABO incompatibility(hemolytic disease). More on that here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ABO_incompatibility

This made him super sleepy and added an extra challenge to establishing breastfeeding, which as many people know can be a challenge anyway. A lactation specialist came in, which I hadn’t asked for, and as I have heard with many others, created an uncomfortable and unenjoyable learning experience. She had a couple of interesting tips but I had taken a class and read the books and was actually doing well without her help. She disregarded the knowledge I had, stressed Leo out so he wouldn’t latch like he had been, then continued to pull him off my nipple incorrectly causing soreness that hadn’t been there until then. It seems lactation specialists need to seriously revise their approach to helping women take on breastfeeding. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were a huge contributor to women’s frustration and quitting attempts at breastfeeding. Because Leo was so tired from elevated bilirubin levels he would only eat a little at a time, and therefore; I had to have him at my breast just about every hour, Rich and I trying to keep him awake any way we could so that he would eat. This is the best way to help the liver process and eliminate the bilirubin from the system.

We were able to go home Saturday, which I was so ready for. I couldn’t wait to get away from the constant interruptions at the hospital and have time to bond with my family. We had to have a light bed and blanket delivered to the house because his bilirubin level had gone up. We kept him under the lights for almost 24 hours straight, stopping only to feed and change him. The next day we went back to the doctor and tested his levels again. They hadn’t gone down, but they hadn’t gone up either. We went to the doctor again the next day, he had gained a couple ounces which is a good sign, but his bilirubin level hadn’t changed. The doctor said that since he had maintained and was a couple days older we could stop using the lights but to monitor him closely and if he became super sleepy again and not eating that we should bring him back in.

And so here we are, up to date, Leo just a little over a week, and doing well. He’ll get his bill of health at an appointment next week, and then I as the worrisome new mom can give that sigh of relief.

Thank all of you who gave your love and support through this process, and for your excitement and interest in Leo. I know some of you may have found it strange that we didn’t want to have visitors the first week, yet after going through that process I find it strange that people would want visitors right away, especially with a first baby. Labor(and my pregnancy) is already a physically and mentally exhausting experience, then to move straight into bonding and adjusting to a new baby with all the testing, monitoring, feeding, physical recovery in the hospital, etc. and on top of that having some health issues arise that need to be addressed-a lot of people coming in and out would have been disruptive and draining for Rich, Leo and I. I had a friend tell me that she only let family come to the hospital with the birth of her baby, and even then, by the end of the day, she had hardly had a chance to hold her own baby. Having this past week to spend with Rich and Leo has been a wonderful chance to establish a routine, adjust to change, and create that amazing bond that happens when 2 becomes 3.

Rich heads back to work next week and Leo and I will begin to adjust once again and form a routine together. As I get to know Leo and his patterns I become more relaxed and confident in my ability to be a mother. As I become more relaxed, the idea of having company becomes more appealing, and I’d love to slowly start introducing Leo to the world. So for those of you who have yet to meet the little guy, we’ll get together soon, but I warn you- he is super cute, and he just may make your heart melt, like he has Rich and mine.

And with that I say,

Namaste.